How technology transformed long-distance relationships

New Romantics — We think a lot about how we turn online relationships into offline ones – what we think of less is how it works the other way round.

Last year, I was obsessed with the internet. I spent months writing and thinking about online intimacy, a whole summer meeting nobody in person, relying simply on apps. Most of my romantic encounters took place online, many of them never crossing over to ‘real life’ at all; my phone was littered with names like ‘Richard Hinge’, ‘Simon Tinder’, ‘Sophie OkCupid’. Dutifully putting them in my phone on Friday nights, Sunday mornings, by Tuesday the conversation was dead: I had no idea who these people in my phonebook even were.

So it was a surprise to me, too, when I met someone at a party and we fell in love. There was no preamble, no holding each other at arm’s length, no weeks or months of online conversation: it was easy, instant and uncomplicated. Like the early days of any modern relationship, of course, we also got to know each other via text message, had the giddy trepidatious thrill of an online back and forth. But everything important happened when we were together.  

It’s somewhat ironic, then, that several months in we’re embarking on a short-term long distance relationship: once again, intimacy has moved online.

It’s an interesting switch. We think a lot about how we turn online relationships into offline ones; in fact, when we meet online, it can be an overwhelming preoccupation. Will they still like me when they meet me in person? Am I funnier online, sharper, quicker, more impressive? Will the chemistry survive a ‘real life’ meeting? No matter how confident I felt, every time I matched with someone from Tinder the idea they might not like or fancy me in person haunted me before we met, so aware I was that the image I projected online wasn’t quite accurate. It was part of the picture, yes. But the whole was obscured.

What we think of less, however, is how it works the other way round: how we experience offline relationships online. Long distance relationships are the most obvious iteration of this dynamic; after all, the day to day minutiae of your relationship is completely changed. You fall asleep together on FaceTime, not in person. You can’t do the crossword together anymore, so you do it on Skype. You can’t spontaneously have lunch together; you send pictures of what you’re eating instead.

But in actual fact, the dynamic exists if you’re two miles away or 220.  We don’t tend to worry about how our offline relationships work themselves out online – even if it’s where we spend most of our time talking to the people we love. The things that concern us are negative, generally – something taking a long time to text us back, being left on read. We sometimes forget about how rich our online relationships can be, how alive.

It’s not just in romantic relationships, either. As I write, my most active group chat contains 150,000 messages: stickers, voice notes, pictures of ourselves, screenshots, videos, gifs. We talk for 12 or more hours a day every day without fail – way more time than we could ever feasibly see each other in person. I’d never think of this group as ‘online’ friends: they’re just ‘my friends’. But the way we interact online is a vital part of how we love each other offline, too.

When we’re unthinkingly updating our friends or our boyfriends on what we’re doing that day, it doesn’t feel particularly meaningful. But it is. There’s a richness of intimacy to be found in our online lives; it’s just that sometimes, someone has to be 200 miles away before you realise it’s there.

Follow Emily Reynolds on Twitter.

Enjoyed this article? Like Huck on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.


Ad

Latest on Huck

Red shop frontage with "Open Out" branding and appointment-only signage.
Activism

Meet the trans-led hairdressers providing London with gender-affirming trims

Open Out — Since being founded in 2011, the Hoxton salon has become a crucial space the city’s LGBTQ+ community. Hannah Bentley caught up with co-founder Greygory Vass to hear about its growth, breaking down barbering binaries, and the recent Supreme Court ruling.

Written by: Hannah Bentley

Cyclists racing past Palestinian flag, yellow barriers, and spectators.
Sport

Gazan amputees secure Para-Cycling World Championships qualification

Gaza Sunbirds — Alaa al-Dali and Mohamed Asfour earned Palestine’s first-ever top-20 finish at the Para-Cycling World Cup in Belgium over the weekend.

Written by: Isaac Muk

Crowded festival site with tents, stalls and an illuminated red double-decker bus. Groups of people, including children, milling about on the muddy ground.
© Alan Tash Lodge
Music

New documentary revisits the radical history of UK free rave culture

Free Party: A Folk History — Directed by Aaron Trinder, it features first-hand stories from key crews including DiY, Spiral Tribe, Bedlam and Circus Warp, with public streaming available from May 30.

Written by: Isaac Muk

Weathered wooden building with a tall spire, person on horseback in foreground.
Culture

Rahim Fortune’s dreamlike vision of the Black American South

Reflections — In the Texas native’s debut solo show, he weaves familial history and documentary photography to challenge the region’s visual tropes.

Written by: Miss Rosen

A collage depicting a giant flup for mankind, with an image of the Earth surrounded by planets and people in sci-fi costumes.
Culture

Why Katy Perry’s space flight was one giant flop for mankind

Galactic girlbossing — In a widely-panned, 11-minute trip to the edge of the earth’s atmosphere, the ‘Women’s World’ singer joined an all-female space crew in an expensive vanity advert for Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin. Newsletter columnist Emma Garland explains its apocalypse indicating signs.

Written by: Emma Garland

Three orange book covers with the title "Foreign Fruit" against a dark background.
Culture

Katie Goh: “I want people to engage with the politics of oranges”

Foreign Fruit — In her new book, the Edinburgh-based writer traces her personal history through the citrus fruit’s global spread, from a village in China to Californian groves. Angela Hui caught up with her to find out more.

Written by: Katie Goh

Huck is supported by our readers, subscribers and Club Huck members. It is also made possible by sponsorship from:

Signup to our newsletter

Sign up to our newsletter to informed with the cutting edge of sport, music and counterculture, featuring personal takes on the state of media and pop culture from Emma Garland, former Digital Editor of Huck, exclusive interviews, recommendations and more.

Please wait...

Accessibility Settings

Text

Applies the Open Dyslexic font, designed to improve readability for individuals with dyslexia.

Applies a more readable font throughout the website, improving readability.

Underlines links throughout the website, making them easier to distinguish.

Adjusts the font size for improved readability.

Visuals

Reduces animations and disables autoplaying videos across the website, reducing distractions and improving focus.

Reduces the colour saturation throughout the website to create a more soothing visual experience.

Increases the contrast of elements on the website, making text and interface elements easier to distinguish.