Will internet age verification actually work?

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People living in the UK woke up on Friday to discover that it is forbidden to bust a nut. Or, rather, it is forbidden to bust a nut before handing a form of official documentation over to the good people at, uh, whatever third party platform XVideos is using for age verification. As part of new requirements introduced via the Online Safety Act, which passed into law on 26 October 2023 and came into effect on Friday (July 25), porn sites are now required by law to determine whether a user is under 18 through ​“robust” checks. These include a face scan, credit card details, passport details, or a ​“digital identity wallet.” Obviously everyone who is even slightly tech literate will simply install a VPN (Proton reported a 1400% spike in sign-ups from UK-based users after the law came into effect), but the intent behind it seems to be outright censorship of any content deemed inappropriate by the state.

If you’ve not heard of the Online Safety Act, it’s basically a new piece of legislation that creates a duty of care for digital platforms, requiring them to scan for, restrict, and if necessary remove content that could be ​“harmful” to minors. It also grants significant powers to the secretary of state to direct Ofcom to enforce regulations. This is supposedly in the interest of ​“protecting children,” but in Great British tradition it’s already an absolute shitshow. Porn sites now live behind an ID wall, but so do Reddit pages for cigar enthusiasts, sexual assault survivors, and Al Jazeera. Curious to see for myself how extensive the censorship is, I pulled up r/​cider over the weekend and, as foretold, was asked to submit my details. Obviously, I did not hand over my driver’s license in order to lurk dads comparing flavours of Rekorderlig on a public forum, but it goes to show how the impact of the bill has been immediate, stupid, and ineffectual. Moments later, my best friend sent me an X post of a fully naked bloke with a cowboy hat on and a Labubu shoved up his arsehole. No check required.

• Read next: Inside the weird world of audio porn

As far as porn goes, age verification was first mandated under the Digital Economy Act 2017. That was shelved in 2019, after the start date was pushed back several times due to privacy concerns and lack of clarity around how it would actually work. Despite enduring privacy concerns and evidence that it will not work, it has been rolled out under a different legislative name with even more strict verification measures that apply to a much broader range of ​“harmful” content relating to everything from terrorism to eating disorders. I personally take issue with mass data harvesting under the guise of ​“personal safety” and can’t foresee a timeline in which this doesn’t end in some sort of Ashley Madison-style scandal for retired gooners. 

Like, today’s teenagers are becoming dropshipping and esports millionaires. I’m pretty confident most of them can navigate their way around this using a VPN and the feature from Death Stranding, and I would bet quite a significant amount of money that most patrons of the Online Safety Act don’t know what either of those things are. Call me mental, but I think the real focus should be on making reality a much less terrible place. If young people (and, let’s be honest, people in general) are escaping into the internet to wank themselves silly, get radicalised, or sincerely discuss killing themselves, that’s nothing if not a damning indictment of society itself. Before I tried to visit r/​cider I turned on the news to see emaciated children being blown to pieces in Gaza, then opened X to see bodycam footage of a black student being brutalised by Florida police – both things a literal baby could be exposed to in the average household. That seems far more concerning than a 17-year-old being bounced off 4chan for trying to download a gif of a cat girl with massive tits.

• Read next: Inside the fight against Japan’s ​‘nuisance streamer’ epidemic

Hilariously, 16-year-olds have just been given the right to vote in all UK elections – meaning you can now be trusted to elect someone to office before you can be trusted to browse r/​cigars. What fascinating times we live in.

In other news, the White House is having a meltdown over an episode of South Park that uses an AI deepfake to depict Donald Trump as a lunatic with a micro-penis who keeps trying to sue everyone. He also appears literally in bed with Satan (a role previously occupied by the late genocidal dictator Saddam Hussain), who confronts him with rumours about his appearance on ​“Epstein’s list.” Meanwhile, Cartman has an existential crisis because ​“woke” is dead, therefore he has nothing to live because he has nothing to be reactionary against. 

• Read next: Donald Trump says that ​“everything is computer” – does he have a point?

“Just like the creators of South Park, the Left has no authentic or original content, which is why their popularity continues to hit record lows,” White House spokesperson Taylor Rogers told Rolling Stone in a statement (the episode aired hours after it was reported that Paramount bought the global streaming rights for South Park in a five-year deal worth $1.5 billion). ​“This show hasn’t been relevant for over 20 years and is hanging on by a thread with uninspired ideas in a desperate attempt for attention. President Trump has delivered on more promises in just six months than any other president in our country’s history – and no fourth-rate show can derail President Trump’s hot streak.” Responding to the fallout on a Comic-Con Comedy Central Animation Panel, co-creator Trey Parker deadpanned: ​“We’re terribly sorry.”

Baggy jeans, war with Iraq, the White House being genuinely pressed about a piece of political satire. The 2000s is so back. 

It’s also been a big month for notable deaths. Pentecostal televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, who was defrocked after a sex scandal, kicked the bucket at the age of 90. Roy Black, the criminal defence attorney who represented Jeffrey Epstein, also went, as did WWE Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan, whose passing I learned of through a recirculated screenshot of him tweeting ​“I ran out of toilet paper brother,help!” And actually devastating, but not entirely surprising, was Ozzy Osbourne. The Prince of Darkness journeyed at last behind the wall of sleep just a few weeks after performing with the original Black Sabbath line-up for the first time in 20 years – at Villa Park, in their home turf of Birmingham, no less. His final words on stage were: ​“It’s the last song ever. Your support has enabled us to live an amazing lifestyle, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.” He also said ​“Fuck you, you’re not marrying my daughter,” when Kelly got engaged to Slipknot’s Sid Wilson backstage. Hell of a vocalist, hell of a man. RIP Aston’s finest.

Emma Garland is a freelance writer and former digital editor of Huck. Follow her on Bluesky.

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